I have this friend. You see, this friend has not talked to me for three months now and I do not know as yet if she has any intention to in the months to come.
(Insert what happened.)
No, I think there's no use doing that. Nothing can be more useless than statements that begin like "Had I been thinking that time... Had I not been so hurt...? Had I not been so stupid...?" I might as well bang my head on the wall.
When the mental fog cleared up, I was able to realize that she did not exactly have all the time in her hands. I know she has been busy reading, then taking exams, and then reading for the next exam. I do not know where she gets all that energy. The vast amounts of food she ingests daily might probably be the answer to this, but she (almost amazingly) never gets fat, mind you.
It's sad. She's been the only person who had been able to keep with my pace. While this was applicable in terms of my eccentricities, quirks and unusual interests, this was also true in terms of things which were important to me ever since we met.
There was something uniquely refreshing about her. Her thoughts were free and strong. Amidst the rampant replication of ideas, taking sides and hypocrisy, she took her own stand and she had the courage to voice them out.
She expresses her feelings this way. Though she rarely speaks of them, her emotions fluidly escape in every action. Even I don't call it transparency. Every idea left unspoken is reflected in each activity she lends herself to.
When she dances, every beat shares the joy she feels. Every note can be a tear drop coursing her entirety. In each movement, a whimper, a sigh, a scream can be felt by spectators inevitably admiring her skill.
There's certain fierceness in her that instead of contradicting the calmness, amplifies the fullness of her being. Her writing is most reflective of these attribute. I think there is not another thing in the planet she would do with as great passion as writing (apart from fully extending herself to someone, maybe). Easy enough to show you who she is.
As long as there are people with ideas which are able to cause influence of such gravity in others and the wisdom to use them for the good, much hope remains in the world.
She kept me hoping as all hope is escaping me in my early years. Even up to now and into the future, I continue to hope for change and strive to make it happen.
Apart from all of this, it is not enough that friend.
Claim as she may to have no existing contact with her emotional side, she shows enormous value to those she cares for. However, her ways may be outside the ordinary (which complies with her personality), yet she can effortlessly gain and keep one's trust-- a favor she returns to those she finds worthy.
I actually tried to do something all summer but I was too scared to do anything. I thought I was scared of rejection, of losing someone of great importance to me, and of seeing so much anger in her eyes. It dawned to me that my greatest fear was to see nothing.
Silence which is unfamiliar to both of us unlike the kind we used to enjoy together. I feared an alienizing silence which freezes your thoughts along with all potency.
I was wrong to wish for everything to be normal between us.
To be normal, is to be exactly like the other people who call themselves friends and to do exactly as they do. They may claim to be different by saying that they add to it their personalities which are unique, supposedly.
Yet, they follow the same set of rules. It IS the easier path to take, though you don't really go anywhere, no depth, no thrill, and no real commitment. After all, what is applicable to studying for a 3 unit course cannot be true of an intimate relationship with others.
I am writing this now, as my intention to end this uncertainty grows stronger, and if I find that the circumstances are against our friendship or (to be appropriate) if she no longer accepts me to be part of her life, I shall go forth, sincerely wish for her happiness and in this way, I shall remember my friend.